For those of you who knew me as Panda Pete I need to tell you all that I am very sorry... Pete is... gone. He wont be back anytime soon. In fact he is most likely gone forever. >.< (But I don't know who is going to respond to this so I am just going to write this in case someone wants to know...)
I have been thinking I have been myself for a very long time, and telling myself that I am Panda Pete while doing TG work either as myself or other work, but reality has finally caught up to me. I have found out... i am really someone else entirely and I need to own up to it. There is something I need to tell you all...
Since my disappearance, I have been playing Final Fantasy XIV A Realm Reborn. I have been playing as a girl online and this is nothing new since I have enjoyed playing female Avatars for many years, and after my experiences in WOW I found it very thrilling to play and I can act more of myself as a female avatar. However... I found something about myself a few months ago that threw me out for a huge realization...
When I joined a new guild, I met a person who wanted to adventure and be with me as soon as I was welcomed in after everyone left. (Lets just call him Tom for now ^^ ) Tom and I ran dungeons together and we learned about each other as we played and why we played certain roles. I was a healer and Tom was a Tank. However when we would stop running through Dungeons we would talk with each other to no end for hours upon hours. We would talk about our likes, dislikes, and what was going on throughout our lives. Eventually this became a regular thing for many many weeks, and months. Tom and I were growing more closer and closer together.
Then I noticed something about myself... I was happier, more willing to talk to others about how I felt, and for the first time I actually felt free and myself since I was a child. When I was with Tom, everything felt so right to be in place, and eventually... i started to notice I had fallen in love with Tom.
When this happened I questioned myself on how I could fall in love with another guy? Was I just pretending to be a girl? No, I knew I was myself online but this felt so much different from how I dated other people, and I dated girls in my life but this felt so right. When I was with him... i felt like a girl and not a boy. I wanted to be protected, I wanted to feel wanted, and I felt loved and cared for when I was around him.
I eventually got really scared and I talked with other people to find out what was wrong with me and they all told me everything was going to be ok and that I should explore my feelings with him even more. So, I didn't think to much of it and continued to see Tom every single day to see if what I felt was right. And... it did.
Then I realized that the boy on the outside was just a shell after I started to ask myself questions. Many questions that I had pushed to the back of my mind after seeing my past events that when I felt happy I was actually trying to be cute and not like a boy at all, but that of a girl. After that realization, I told myself I could be much happier with life and be myself and not hide who I was anymore. I never really wanted to be strong, tough, muscular, wear ties, or even challenge other people about if I was right or wrong because that didn't matter to me. My father when he was alive would question my masculinity and I would feel so bad about it. But now... i don't feel that my masculinity mattered at all. I can finally discard my shell and live as I always wanted... for those of you who are still interested to hear more let me know and I will tell. Thank you *Bows head*